I am so excited to be back in Fargo, back home. It is not exactly the situation I had been hoping for the whole time I was in Cali, but it is still good. It is really nice to be able to be with Amanda again.

However, due to everything that happened, and all the things her friends kept telling me while I was gone, it is slightly hard dealing with all of my emotions.

I really do love her with everything in me. And I love most all of her friends. I get along well with pretty much all of them. Really, I have only ever had trouble with one of them - the one I have tried the hardest with. It really just sucks, I don't like when people don't like me or have negative opinions of me. I really do try to be a good person, but I don't think that matters to this particular friend. This friend sees only what they want to and twists realitly however they see fit. Bummer.

I went out last night with MY friends, yes I do have those. Promise. It was Bethy's 21st birthday. Since it was Sunday we couldn't goto Bucks, Beth was kind of bummed. We tried to goto the Windbreak but the boys didn't want to pay the cover charge, that's okay though. We went to Big D's and the Sidestreet bar. The Sidestreet was so badass. I saw one of my favorite people ever there. And Bob the Bartender was pretty awesome. And the best part? Amanda and Sara came and met us at the Sidestreet. I like being out with her. A lot.

After the Sidestreet we went out to eat a Denny's and my new friend Lincon was our waiter again. He did not forget my French Toast this time. A+ Lincon, A+.

There is so so so much more I would like to say. But I don't feel like typing any more and a lot of what I want to say is inappropriate. So, I will be done for now.

Oh, one last thing - fuck you, you fucking hypocrite.

I start driving home fucking tomorrow. So excited, so so excited.

Today just trying to get everything ready. Picking up a few things before I go home. Packing. The usual.

I should be studying. But I just really, really don't want to. I hate management so much. All the more reason to study I guess, I stoped paying attenetion to what we have been covering a long time ago. Maybe I should drop the empahsis in Business. Fuck school.

I do need to goto campus today though. Buy a few christmas gifts and try to sell back some books. Extra cash is alway nice.

I can't stop watching Harry Potter. It really is an amazing series. I'm not sure I could fall asleep without it any more.

I'm kind of nervous about going home. It's werid really. I know I don't want to stay here but atleast I am comfortable here. The last time I was home visiting I felt like I didn't really belong there. Mayeb it'll just take time. I'm not too pumped about moving back in with my mom. The no bills thing will be nice but after living on my own going back is going to be different. I know where I want to be going back to, but we'll have to wait and see what happens there.

I've done pretty well with the not crying thing. I had a rough day on sunday but I've been doing pretty good since then. We've been talking more and I like that.

Oh. My. Gosh. I just want to be home now. My mom comes this afternoon, I'm pretty excited about that as well. Then tomorrow we are off. Just one final to get through. One long fucking lame final.

I guess we are going out to dinner tonight. Liz wanted to get some people together like a going away party. Haha, I think there are like five people going. Fine by me. I will miss some of the people I met here. Especially Keegan. I'm actually going to miss Liz, too. We have gotten pretty close. I'm so use to her being right next door now.

I think I want food. A burrito from the depot sound like a good plan. If not today I don't know when I will, if ever, have one again. There are things I am going to miss terribly about this place. The ocean, the trees, the university, the people, the openess to everything and everyone. I think I want to come back here someday. But the next time I come I would like to bring a certain someone with me. And a puppy.

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FUCK. I just want everything to be fixed.

I made it all day yesterday without crying. Today, I've barely been up an hour and it is hard to hold back the tears.
I still don't really understand why it happened.
Fighting? Everyone does that.
I think what hurts the most is I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me.
I want to talk to her all the time. All the time. I want to call her and text her when ever I can.
But I refrain, I don't want to bug her or make her mad.
I feel like she doesn't miss me, and it kills me.

Maybe she just had longer to get over it.
Maybe she knew for awhile she didn't want to be with me.
But I didn't see it coming. I never wanted it to.
I know I'm not the best person in the world.

I have my insecurities and my faults. I get upset.
But I do love her with my whole heart.
I've been told time heals everything.
I don't know if I want it to.
I would do anything for her. I would do anything to get her back.

I loved the idea of making a life with her.
Marrying her. Having children with her.

I have old texts in my phone from her.
And a letter she wrote me on my phone's note pad.
When I read them I lose it.
The things she said, the way she told me she loves me.
And how she will love me forever.
I cry uncontrollably.

Everyone wants to offer me their opinion on the situation. Most of them I don't want to hear. I want to believe she still loves me and wants to be with me. But I am afraid I am just setting myself up to get knocked back down. I know we are broken up, I have the tears to prove it. I just think maybe, maybe she will realize how much I love her. How much she loves me.

I want her to hold me and tell me everything is okay. Kiss me on the forehead and tell me that she loves me. I want to be intament with her. Show her how much I love her.

She said some mean things to me. And they still hurt. Hearing the words over again in my head sting. Thinking about what happened makes my heart break over and over again. It all happened so quickly. She seemed happy to seem me but she didn't act the same. She didn't try to hold my hand or be as close to me as she use to.

I feel like I just keep going over the same things but they still never make enough sense that I can figure anything out. Not knowing how she feels about everything or what she thinks of everything thatis happening is killing me. Whenever I talk to her she seems so happy, and I hardly stop crying.

This post could go on forever. Rambling about the same things over and over again. It wont solve anything though. It wont clear anything up for me. Only she can do that.